I'm a narcissist so I assume that you were "found" because of your blog is a dig at me, a reasonable assumption based on your lack of posts was due in part to being found. Sorry, didn't mean to be such thorn in your side. Truly I am, and you'll not have that problem any longer. I pray that pleases you but I'm already certain it does.
Being as this is the end of the story I figure to make it my masterpiece and it will be lengthy.
I started this as "40 as a new beginning", I have found that since the age of 40 there have been many more significant endings than beginnings. As a matter of fact, I see endings every day now. End of friendships, relationships, opportunities, and/or days. Being that as it may I end the story with no unreasonable regrets on my part, I observed every holiday, birthday, or significant days that perhaps were just significant to myself. I regret (the only reasonable regret) I'll never hear the truth, but I'll live without it.
Someone once said to me something along the lines of music being the soundtrack of their life or that music IS the soundtrack of their life. Not a big music fan myself but I thought about that conversation many times and I've found a few songs that might roll with me.
Remember The Time by Michael Jackson. Well this one is kinda funny because of the telephone references. How many times did I get in trouble (as well as the girls in my life) for long distance bills, or even if it wasn't for long distance, just the amount of time I was on the phone. The days of land lines and long distance is something our youth will thankfully never experience.
Hurt by Johnny Cash. Well every day I hurt. But in the song he hurts himself to see if he still feels. Something I also do, but not with drugs, not with alcohol. My hurting comes from memories, my mind betrays me and gives me all the pain I need to know if I feel. Food is another torture, probably just to fill the empty spaces, I'm no shrink but that's my self analysis.
Wild World by Cat Stevens. What's to say? It rings true. I've been left enough and do my best to not hold grudges but at the same time hold those that leave me accountable. When I have left I owned it and did my best to explain the situation. I haven't been afforded the same respect. Good ol' Cat does convey my wishes however.
Kissing A Fool by George Michael. Well, WOW! Listen to it... However, I don't wait any longer, I make my destiny. That song encompasses everything but one.
Convoy by C.W. McCall. The life isn't as extreme as the song makes it and I'll be damned if I'll go by Rubber Duck. The issues with driving makes me long for home, allows demons to take over, it makes familiar paths and stops dredge up memories best suppressed, and those are the minor dangers.
At the end of the day I can assure myself that I was not deceptive, I wore my heart on my sleeve for sure but it was true blood dripping from it. I just didn't know that I could be deceived, I didn't know that anyone with crying eyes could make me go blind (and the OSCAR goes to.......?), I've been fooled, I suppose every guy can claim it, just hoped at one time I would witness honesty. It took awhile but I read the honesty, I saw that it was a mistake to ever respond to me. There goes the bit of pride I had left.
There is nobody I've ever been close to that does not know where they rate in my life. I haven't told them I care and then turned my back on them. Conversely if they were a bag of shit, I've let them know it.
Since I've turned 40 there have been too many endings to list and I wouldn't bore anyone with them all, 40 was, however, the beginning of my end. No one can look at that number when the day before they were only 18 without realizing that everything is over. I should have known this then. After 40 there will just be endings, no do-overs, no fresh starts, no rejuvenation, and I know now what to expect...
Memories, good or bad. Existence, good or bad. Departures, good or bad.
I will remember, I will exist, one day I will depart. I will remember the words, I will exist with no more words, I (and the blog), depart with too many more words left unsaid.
